WHERE have you been MISSY?

Total hiatus!
But jeez, where have we been?  Snowed in? Living life? Working? Relaxing? Taking a break from crazy time? Gym? Tanning? Laundry? Something along those lines....

And maybe a little bit of this....

Getting kicked out of the bar at midnight for puking, just outside the entrance, directly in front of the bouncer. Jeez at least go around the corner or spend some QT in the bathroom.  Sadly, like my drunk txting/dialing, my puking knows no boundaries.  Anyway.

Staying up late pranking people.

Dogging out on the couch, ordering multiple meals, watching deadly women marathons with the blinds drawn, and pranking people mid afternoon just for someone to talk to.

Maybe we need to re-define pranking (more on that later).

Forming texting relationships with virtual strangers: ie, a certain pharmaceutical sales rep.

Getting in arguments with potential suitors just for the sake of an argument.  'I wish I never met you.'

Setting up dates with internet strangers only to break them in your own mind, but not tell the date until the day of.

Blacking out on the final football Sunday Funday's of the year and making out with a boy dressed as a gecko.  It isn't halloween, no need to act like it is...especially on a Sunday!

Christmas and New Years celebrations occurred somewhere in there and we spent time with family (can you believe they can stand us?).

Finally, we defintely weren't inviting strangers from the internet over at 1 am, only to have them come in to be accosted about eveything and anything possible.  Totally didn't show them their FB profile, even though we didn't technically didn't know their last name (found out who they were thru our keen detective skills).  When you open your computer there's porn up on it.  Showed them your new nook, slippers, or cutting board in the shape of the state of NJ.  Tell them of all your prejudices.  Harass them about their pending divorce.  Watch Jersey Shore on loop (the episode where Deena gets called out for licking asshole, no less) leading to very interesting and inappropriate admissions and debates.  And finally, turn on the Hoarders episode that showcased the guy with thousands of rats.  That's a strangers cue to leave.

If you're looking to scare someone into never talking to you again, totally give us a call!

xoxo

Stupidest 'Holiday' Ever

And not just saying that because we're single...

It's amazing the excitement and importance people put into this Hallmark holdiay.

Guess what I LOVE my friends, boys, family, pets, & strangers I've developed a slight obsessions with ALL year round.  I constantly have candy in my apartment.  And I drink on days I shouldn't.  And I skip the gym sometimes.  Oh and I even go out to dinner!  Can you believe it?

BOOYA Valentines Day.

I LOVE IT ALL YEAR!

Undateable Men: Update

Firemen - just reminding everyone. They are completely off limits.

A Love Poem to My Cellular Phone

Look at you Android so stealthy, sexy and sleek.
When you ring I swear you make my heart weak.
All different functions, apps and ringtones.
Just assure me your the best of all the phones.
You never leave my side, sleep with my a night.
And it is for you I would get into a fight.
You are my lover, my confidante and my friend
There's never a text message you do not send.
You get service almost everywhere.
Leave home without you, I would never dare.
And for all these reasons I will always be true
I never dare betray because I'm in love with you.

xoxoxo

Daily Zero: Pathetic Ex-BF's

So your last relationship ended in literally a BLAZE OF GLORY, threats of legal action, police involvement, violation of privacy and all that jazz... Left a heart broken broken dog you managed to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep it movin'.  Then of course with all breaks up there's drunk dialing, ex-sex, vindictive plans to ruin his life for all eternity.. However to avoid all this I went cold turkey, cut him from the source- blocked him via phone, fb and gchat.  The only only possible way for this Pathetic Ex to contact me is through email, and he sure if taking advantage.  

Case in Point:

Jonathon L*u&%ir@  to me

show details 11:47 PM (9 hours ago)

Check one:

__ You have a seething hatred for me and do not wish to ever imagine my existence ever again.

__ You feel more time needs to pass before any kind of communication ever occurs in this lifetime.

__ You wish to inflict severe physical pain upon me.

__ You are unsure of what to think. 

__ All of the above

Thus we salute you Pathetic Ex-Bf's still contacting you ex via email confirming the fact that you are in fact pathetic, sad and lost with out the coolest girl you ever met, and therefore making us even more confident of our irresistibility.

WORLD'S SHORTEST MAN

XOXOX.

Daily Hero: Michael K from Dlisted.com

We salute you Michael K the brain and brilliance behind out favorite blog of all time dlisted.com.  Michael K you are so EFF'ING funny, you are truly the inspiration behind Bitches Barking.  You not only are superior at laughing at the expense of others misfortunate but you have a real knack for finding THE most hilarious nicknames for our beloved celebrities. LOVE YOU!

You are forever an honorary member of Bitches Barking.

XOXOXOXO.
http://dlisted.com 

Daily Hero: Newly Single Hotties who dumped their Hot Starlet Girlfriends because... Why not, they could bang just about anyone they want!

Today's Daily Hero's are Ryan Reynolds and Zac Efron

We Salute you Ryan and Zac because although your girlfriends are probably two of the hottest girls in the country, and dudes everywhere would give their left testicle to have sex with them.... you said 'I don't think so hoes, you aint that pretty. I'm prettier then you and can bang just about anyone I want.. so see ya later sucka'... 

Just goes to show the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and NEVER trust a dude prettier then you.. 

xoxox Ryan and Zac... call me.