Undateable Men: Update

Any male in a sales position

Let's not get Garried away...

We forgot another favorite Gary!!!

We've all felt like Gary Busey looks in these pix....

Text Master: Update

FYI ...Cat:








.... is the text master.



I:  on the other hand, will send you texts like this :

'where are you?'
'what are you doing?'
'HELLO?'
'I lwdddddDrtz'
'Doing a shot of Jameson then leaving. wanna meet and walk'
'hi'
'meow'
'No. I btfo. U?'
'mmmmmmmmm'

And various other inappropriate, weird, incomprehensible things I can't say on here!

xoxoxo - kate

Text Master

Damage control....

So here's the back story:
I was supposed to meet a potential suitor out at a bar.  The potential suitor well call Frankfurter was coming all the way from Brooklyn to New Jersey to meet me... (honestly poor choice when dealing with the doggiest of all dogs).  However, in the midst of dogging around and a plethora of everclear I forgot that I made these plans, left the bar I was to meet Frankfurter at and went to another.  I failed to notify Frankfurter of my change in scenery and also failed to ever look at my phone until the next AM where I was to find several missed calls and texts from a poor, lonely Frankfurter.

So one may think- I guess Frankfurter is gone forever.  What kind of guy would still want to meet a girl who basically stood you up after you crossed two rivers for her???

However fear not, there's nothing a crafty text cannot fix!

So below is my text history, then we'll break it down, so anyone can craft THE perfect damage control text.

My Text:
'Uhm. So I irish exited out of Mulligan's and obviously failed to mention this to you or any of my friends... all I  can say is everclear jello shots were involve :-/ '

Key elements to the successful damage control dating debacle text:

1- Cute element - 'uhm' is cute, girly and whimsical. The dumb suitor will never think you are deceiving him when you start with uhm..

2- Cool saying guys relate to- 'irish exit'.  The suitor thinks 'this is a cool chick, I mean I have totally pulled an irish exit before'

3-  The Honest Admission- 'all I can say is everclear jello shots were involved'.  Suitor thinks- 'well at least she's not making up some story, she's genuine'.

4- THE EMOTICON- I can not stress the importance of the emoticon in ANY damage control text.
 :-/ is cute and emits the feeling of sorrow without admitting wrong doing, which brings me to #5.

5- Leaving Out the Apology, last and most important.  First off- apologizing is the admission of guilt, and if you think you did nothing wrong, then you DID do nothing wrong, and therefore there's NOTHING to apologize about.  Second- you already expressed your feeling sorrow with that emoticon, therefore an actual apology is repetitive and desperate.  I mean he's the fool that would be missing out if he doesn't agree to meet you again.

With the step by step guide above you should be able to text your way out of any drunken debacle.

So what happened with the poor frankfurter?  He bought it hook line and sinker and is asking me when we can meet.  SUCCESS.

Please post any texting questions because I am the self proclaimed textmaster and can text my way into or out of any situation.

xoxox.

Someday...

A Tribute to a True American Hero

Thank you Mark Zuckerberg for bringing stalking to a whole new level.  Now I know where my ex was for the holidays, what he did last night and what he is doing RIGHT now.. thank god for you Mark Zuckerberg, how empty and dull life would be without your brain and affinity for creeping. xoxoxox.

a dog must have

An app that if downloaded on your significant others phone, will forward all his or her text messages to you.. the inventor of this is clearly tomorrows daily hero.  Can't wait to download on next victims phone.

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/10/27/2010-10-27_android_app_secret_sms_replicator_lets_suspicious_lovers_spy_on_significant_othe.html 

Daily Hero: Vanessa da Airport

Vanessa for breaking into you man's email account and doing some serious damage... We've all been there and here at bitchesbarking we appreciate your insanity. And that's why you're our daily hero.. Woof Woof.

hey Catherine,

Sorry to contact you cause I know u don't know me this is Vanessa the chick that A*** has been fooling around with since last February. I just found out that he has been corresponding with you though he has been playing me for a fool this whole time. When I asked him about all the emails  I found between the both of you he straight up and very callously told me that he is checking "hhis options with you". Soifeel like I owe it to you to say that if you didn't know that he is that kind of a douche bag, who had been sleeping with me for the past 4 days in his condo in NC and still talking to you like nothing, well he is. And I hope I you don't ended up in and very uncomfortable situation like me right now, stranded in waiting for him to take me to da airport.

Btw, he is s_*f**h, m***g****tic and not that great of a *****, so you get no good surprises.

Vanessa

How not to get laid

1. get sloppy blackout drunk before even entering the bar
2. fat hair until to achieve hair that stands straight up
3. lure men back to your place with this line 'wanna come check out my sweet a.c.'
4. pass flatulence or belch loudly in front of dudes you just met.
5. lead the convo with a potential suitor with this line: 'so can you send me a dic pic?'
6. calling someone approximately 60x over the course of 4 hours.
7. rolling with THE drunkest girls at the bar, where one leaves crying, one puking and other is sleeping at the bar.
8. stopping for a quick $30 worth of Seven Star pizza on your way home from the bar.
9. party so hard all weekend that you have no voice to even try to pick up dudes, you resort to sign language.. not getting laid
10. making out with puke monster before, after or during your night out.

HELLLLLOOOO?????

If only we could move to Gary, Indiana....

The boy's name Gary is pronounced GARE-ee.  It is of Old English origin, and the meaning of Gary is 'spear'.  Famous since the 1930s due to actor Gary Cooper.  Gary has 5 variant forms: Gari, Garey, Garrey, Garrie, and Garry.

Now, let's take a moment to consider all of the important Gary's in our world:

Gary the slumlord of squan:

Gary, my ex, who 'allowed' me to drunk dial/prank him for almost a decade, yet remained a friend in the end:

Gary aka Bodi:

Gary Sinise was bangin' as a legless man in Forrest Gump:

Gary Coleman:

Last, but certainly not least, our favorite Hoboken bartender (that's him behind the bar), Gary of Mulligan's:

Who's YOUR favorite Gary?

Kill List

Before we begin a key:
*dd1 = dropdead1
*dbfs = death by firing squad


Also I dedicate this list to Mary Norma a 10 year old serial killer and my idol. xoxox.


1. Yon: for being a midget, homo, so dumb that you still haven't changed your password.  How I wish I would have killed you that time in squan like we planned.


2. DJ dropdead: sweet wheelchair


3. Gr8murse: studette = dbfs


4.  Dirt: no explanation necessary


5. Jessica Simpson: for being fat


6. Prince William and that dumb hoe Kate

7.  Sammie Sweetheart: although the STD's eating her cervix will likely kill her by the end of the year.

8. The original murse: for the cum stained shirt you choose to wear on our first date, along with the religious nursing thimble you bought me for my birthday.... really dd1

9. Oprah: so over you and your crusade to save the fucking work.. dd1 

10. Oprah's audience: instead of cackling over Oprah's excessive consumerism, get your fat ass off the couch and get a bloody job dumbie.

11.  While we're killing modern day saints may as well kill Angelina Jolie and all her minority children (save the white ones to preserve the aryan race)

12. Angelina (staten island ferry): for violating our eyeballs with her face and chunky body in ill-fitting onsies.

13. Ryan Caberra: for being an absolute homo on The Hills

14.  Stein: for never being able to find a shirt that covers his mid-drift

15. Adan: for answering the phone like a receptionist at a dentist office, you're probably already lying dead in your own piss, sh!t and vomit.

16. RTD: for looking like a truck driver

17. Mr. Carosi: for having a GF

18. Dr. Love: for sending a dic pic to an unknown recipient

19. Dumb wum: for not only being the dumbest dog but also being the ugliest, what a catch ;-)

20. Gary the bartender: for leading b!tches on and having yellow teeth

21. While were on Gary's, Gary the slum lord: I'm sure removing one pair or sneakers cost $1000

22. Dunce: for giving us his real address sunday night

23.  Martini: for eating cheetos while 'surfing'

24: One and only: who lies about being impotent when you weren't even impotent... god your so fucking dumb it's painful, dbfs.

25. Scott Higgins: for pulling the creepiest moves of all time in the middle of the night in squan.. how to catch predator. dbfs.

26. Greggors: for that dumb beard and eating chinese food with his bare hands like a zoo creature.

27. B-cos: for being b-cos

28. Xanax: to be too much for neurotic psychos like  us means you'd better do the world a favor and kill yourself.

29. Karter: ugh too many pics.

30. MC: fake dic pic? you could never get  one by on the master of dp's.

Undateable Men

One should always take into consideration a potential mate's profession.  Just in case you're not sure....here is who will only lead to trouble for you:
Cops
Firemen
Pharmaceutical Sales Reps
Bartenders
Bouncers
Bar backs
Janitors at bars
DJs
Priests
Married Men
Men who like men, but pretend they like women

Our Hero

Prego Kim Zolciak huffing down a cig.