Undateable Men: Update

Firemen - just reminding everyone. They are completely off limits.

A Love Poem to My Cellular Phone

Look at you Android so stealthy, sexy and sleek.
When you ring I swear you make my heart weak.
All different functions, apps and ringtones.
Just assure me your the best of all the phones.
You never leave my side, sleep with my a night.
And it is for you I would get into a fight.
You are my lover, my confidante and my friend
There's never a text message you do not send.
You get service almost everywhere.
Leave home without you, I would never dare.
And for all these reasons I will always be true
I never dare betray because I'm in love with you.

xoxoxo

Daily Zero: Pathetic Ex-BF's

So your last relationship ended in literally a BLAZE OF GLORY, threats of legal action, police involvement, violation of privacy and all that jazz... Left a heart broken broken dog you managed to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and keep it movin'.  Then of course with all breaks up there's drunk dialing, ex-sex, vindictive plans to ruin his life for all eternity.. However to avoid all this I went cold turkey, cut him from the source- blocked him via phone, fb and gchat.  The only only possible way for this Pathetic Ex to contact me is through email, and he sure if taking advantage.  

Case in Point:

Jonathon L*u&%ir@  to me

show details 11:47 PM (9 hours ago)

Check one:

__ You have a seething hatred for me and do not wish to ever imagine my existence ever again.

__ You feel more time needs to pass before any kind of communication ever occurs in this lifetime.

__ You wish to inflict severe physical pain upon me.

__ You are unsure of what to think. 

__ All of the above

Thus we salute you Pathetic Ex-Bf's still contacting you ex via email confirming the fact that you are in fact pathetic, sad and lost with out the coolest girl you ever met, and therefore making us even more confident of our irresistibility.

WORLD'S SHORTEST MAN

XOXOX.

Daily Hero: Michael K from Dlisted.com

We salute you Michael K the brain and brilliance behind out favorite blog of all time dlisted.com.  Michael K you are so EFF'ING funny, you are truly the inspiration behind Bitches Barking.  You not only are superior at laughing at the expense of others misfortunate but you have a real knack for finding THE most hilarious nicknames for our beloved celebrities. LOVE YOU!

You are forever an honorary member of Bitches Barking.

XOXOXOXO.
http://dlisted.com 

Daily Hero: Newly Single Hotties who dumped their Hot Starlet Girlfriends because... Why not, they could bang just about anyone they want!

Today's Daily Hero's are Ryan Reynolds and Zac Efron

We Salute you Ryan and Zac because although your girlfriends are probably two of the hottest girls in the country, and dudes everywhere would give their left testicle to have sex with them.... you said 'I don't think so hoes, you aint that pretty. I'm prettier then you and can bang just about anyone I want.. so see ya later sucka'... 

Just goes to show the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence and NEVER trust a dude prettier then you.. 

xoxox Ryan and Zac... call me.

Text Master: deciphering a text

Ok here's a quick lesson on deciphering a text.  

From a few text messages with enough investigation you figure out:

1. What a guy is like
2. His intentions
3. His level of interest

For example here's a text from a potential suitor well call Jimmay:
'Im off to bed. Sweet dreams bella.  Talk to you later'
What the guys is like:

• Clearly he's a smoozer... After reading this I can guarantee this dude works in sales. How? because of the sweet talking /player type game.   However the use of 'bella' as opposed to babe or cutie means I think he's a corporate/business type.. has a certain level of class.

His Intentions:

• Dude is trying to bang you.  That's it. 

Another example:
'Hola beautiful stranger.  How was your day? Maybe one day we will be sipping vino remeniscing how I was an idiot and took so long to meet cha...'


What the Guys Like:

• Douche, sales type bullshitter, but also not very smart because he spelled rememiscing wrong. Also lets take note of the word 'cha', I mean he may in fact be a closeted homo.  That's mad gay yo. Even as textmaster I don't know what to make of that.  But I DO know it's not good.

His intentions:

• He's a womanizer, he just wants to bang you, but will certainly wine and dine you first.  
• You'll  just be another member of his hoe train.

Level of interest:

• Obviously he's not that into you since he broke your date.  Anyone who breaks a date isn't into you. If a guy likes you he will make sure he gets to your date. 
• Remember guys never have anything to do when it comes to getting laid.

xoxox
textmaster

POST PARTY BLUES

So at the time partying for full 24 hrs seemed like a logical and good idea however when you finally awaken from this stupor.. anxiety, guilt and disgust creeps in.
You feel worthless, can't believe you acted so irresponsibly and vow never to leave your apartment again... this is what we call the Post Party Blues.

Some things you will likely find or not find in your apartment following a extensive rage:

1. Interesting combination of clothing including some items from the outfit you wore out, some sleep wear and some degree of nudity.
2. Spilled drinks, a lot of empty water bottles and some half eaten food items.
3. Keys- missing
4. Phone- right next to your face.. (don't even look at the call log, ignorance is bliss at this point)
5. Atm card likely at some bar visited during the 24 hr rage.

The best was to deal with post party blues is to treat your apartment like a crime scene:

• Immediately throw out all evidence of the rage, and 409 all surfaces.
• To the best of your ability tidey up the place, organize your space, locate all missing items.
• Remove all jewelry and clothing from the night before.
• Change your clothes, wash your face, drink water until you kidneys begin to function again...
• GO into hiding, ignore your phone, gchat, bbm, fb for at least 24hrs.. 

Post party blues don't go away for a full 36-48 hrs following your last drink or last exposure to mind altering substances.

Godspeed.
xoxoxo.

Daily Hero: THE RUSSIAN

Have you met this man?

I bet the answer is yes....



Clearly, when you run into someone on a njtransit train, they are everywhere.  And for this, we salute the Russian.  We have to estimate that he's been creeping around the US (Hoboken and Manasquan to be exact) for 10 years at this point.  He is everywhere.  Lurking in dark corners of bars, sauntering down the street, wandering shirtless on the boardwalk, on trains and buses; just waiting for ladies to prey upon. 
He's the #1 creep of our time and sometimes I wish I was lurking in every corner and crevice and was able to be everywhere.  You never know who you'll miss when you make that fateful decision on where to drown yourself in alcohol.

Bravo, Max aka The Russian, as you once told me in the boom boom room of the Osprey - the best is yet to come!

xoxoxoxoxo

Text Master

Dating Disaster Recovery: 3 Part Plan

Scenario:
So remember poor lonely Frankfurter, traveled two rivers to meet me only to be left stood up at the bar.  Well Frankfurter and I made another date to meet for early evening cocktails... With the time of the date approaching I mentally decided to bail on the Frankfurter, however unfortunately failed once again to notify the poor Hot Dog.  I received a series of texts and calls none of which I responded to... and at the time thought there's no recovering from this one.  The poor Frankfurter surely hates me and will never speak to me again...

However the next day still receiving calls and texts from Frankfurter (he thinking that I was in fact dead) I brainstormed and came up with an action plan to vindicate myself and return Frankfurter to the palm of my hands.

Disaster Recovery Plan:
PART ONE: Timing is Everything.
The plan was to wait a considerable amount of time to make contact.
What this does is makes the suitor think that:
1- you're dead or something happened so he starts to worry.  Anger and embarrassment turns to worry and anxiety.
2- The suitor begins to think he did something wrong. He begins replaying all of your past convo's and texts to see if he said anything to jeopardize your willingness to see him.  The insecurity building makes him forget that you totally played him for a fool and he thinks he did something wrong... that's what we call a sucka.

PART TWO: The Story.
Ok in this situation you go big or go home, the lie has to be absolutely ridiculous.  The more ridiculous the more likely he will buy it hook line and sinker.
Options here include jail, near death experiences, family issues, crime of any nature.
I choose to go with -lost cellphone, after a bar crawl in celebration of my friend moving to Hong Kong.

PART THREE: Follow up texts.
Now that you have your story the well calculated text comes next.  Remember this text must be sent at least 3 days following the dating disaster.  In this specific case I sent the text 4 days following the event.

Me: 'Hello.  O man I've been without phone since Friday!! My bad about Saturday :-/ I'm alive and well.  Just got my new phone in the mail.  What's going on over there?'
Analysis: 

•  Cute element- Hello, O man (whimsical, girly innocence)
•  Lack of apology - My bad (also cute and girly), not an actual apology but recognition of your actions.
• Emoticon- cute and does the apologizing for you.. emotes sorry without the admission of guilt.
• Cool guy talk- 'what's going on over there?', it's cool, it blows right over the subject at hand. Easy breezy. Remember if you think you did nothing wrong then you did nothing wrong.  Just blow over the topic as quickly and easily as you blew him off.

Frankfurters response: 'Hey great to hear from u and that ur alive lol guess that bar crawl on friday was a good time haha. Thought maybe I said something wrong or u were in a ditch somewhere'.

Analysis: clearly worked like a charm, we've got Frankie by the balls.

Next text is as critical as the first.  You must wait a significant amount of time, but within the same day.
Time makes you appear exclusive, aloof, mysterious and therefore IRRESISTIBLE.
So in a few hours you send a text that's exciting that acknowledges the event however brushes over it, furthering it's insignificance.

Me: 'Chaos appears to follow me or vice versa.. so that race I did Sunday- this dude dropped dead right before the start and needed to be resuscitated! Crazy right.  Are you at work?'
Analysis: 

• It's cool, you lead a chaotic crazy fun life the suitor wishes you would let him be a part of.
• An exciting story to get his mind off the offense you committed, while also intriguing his interest even further.
• You acknowledge him, you need to remember to mention him in the text. Guys need attention.  So the final part of the text should always be about him.

So what's the result... Frankfurter wants to hang..

xoxox,
TEXTMASTER (texting my way into and out of any and all situations)




                            

Weinstein Wednesday's

Human penis size is the measured length and width of the human penis. 

Mean human penis length is approximately 5.1–5.9 inches.

Average circumference (width) is 4.972 inches.

So you're dating some dude and things are going very well... and the day is soon approaching when The Weinstein will make it's first appearance.  The anxiety, mystery and wonder behind this moment builds monopolizing your thoughts- big, small , fat, skinny, bent, circumcised, red, brown, black, blonde....
The variety is endless. Therefore we have created Weinstein 101 a guide to predicting your man's weinstein before you get the official introduction.


Weinstein 101:
Jew = small baby penis, stay away.
Italian = good size to big, with some girth. Good in the sack as well.. go for the guidos.
Black (any amount 1/2, 1/4, 1/8) = HUGE (length and width).
Portuguese = bigger then average.
Asian = sorry ladies never been there, but the reports say the smallest of them all! So just stay away.
Irish = smaller then average and mostly likely will have whiskey dick. NEXT.
Hispanic (puerto rican) = above average, uncircumcised.
Latin = below average to average.. waa waa.. next.
Brit = average.
Australian= above average, combined with that accent.. whoop whoop.
German = average.
France = above average... so fear not if you bagged yourself a frenchie.


Miscellaneous notes on weinstein prediction:

• Hands are not a direct correlation with weinstein size, I had a weinstein once that was big and my hands were bigger then his.
• Quiet, reserved, shy guys can mean a small baby weinstein.  The opposite holds true, loud and outgoing equals big weinstein.

Hope this was helpful bitches. xoxox.

Take note boys...

I don't ever want to see you in the following shoes:



I know Nelly or whoever that was made Air Force Ones seem really cool, but these are just plain awful and look like giant white boats.  All I can concentrate on are how bad these are when you're fist pumping around me and it distracts me from my own hot dance moves and drinking.  Whites can be done, but try converse or lacoste and if you're feet are too big, just bypass them all together.
          

I'd say I own more shoes with a heel flatter than these, than those taller.  Also, they are way, too pointy!  Completely unacceptable.  Finally, where do you're toes end in these?  You're a 5'7" guido, you're feet aint' that big.

I have seen more than one grown man in these shoes in the past few years.  I don't care if the Preppy Handbook says they are a must with your seersucker pants, pleated khaki shorts, or navy blue suit; you look even douchier than the guidos.  They're awful and meant for children (or catholic school girls, I had a rotten pair of these back in the day, I'm surprised they didn't walk out of my locker on their own).  Don't do it.


Another guido classic.  A male actually left these in our beach house this summer.  Smart move for him, hopefully he wisened up and got something a lot less horrific.  Just buy flip flops or even tevas, there's no need for mandals, ever.

There are lots of cute, acceptable shoes out there boys.  Use your brains and get them.  Or ask a platonic girlfriend (or current fuck buddy) to help you pick out ones that don't suck.  If you actually found someone to date you than by all means USE her for such things, not just blow jobs.

xoxoxo

Just figure out why we play these dating games!

BECAUSE NO ONE TALKS TO ONE ANOTHER ON THE PHONE ANYMORE...

All communication is done via text/ bbm/ email/ facebook/ gchat..
All edited, analyzed and watered down to the point you have NO IDEA what the other person is thinking, feeling or meaning with their words...

UGH.. the internet will be the end of human interaction!

So pick up phone people.. TALK!

Playing Games

I wonder why we have to play these dating games...

Why can't we all be honest about our intentions:  

• When you're just talking to someone until the next best thing comes along, why can't you just say this.
• When your being a perfect gentleman until you get laid, then just say it... "I'm a douche, but am being nice until I get in your pant's"
• Why do you take 12 hrs to respond to my text, and when you do its 5:40a on Sunday (walk of shame).
• If I'm just a rebound, let it be known.
• If your talking to me to get back at your ex.. say it
• If you have no other options, and need to get laid... say it pu55y.
• If all you want is a story for your boys.. man up dude.

God.. dating is the worst..
I wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy

Daily Hero: Because Olga has a real PASSION for shoes.

Olga we salute you for being a disgruntled, irate shoe shopper.

After being unable to find boots to fit over your meaty calves, you pried the boot from your cankle threw it clear across the room with no regard to who it may hit.  Unfortunately no one was hit by the flying boot, too bad, however Olga we love your intensity, hope to see you at the next Macy's shoe sale. xoxoxo.

Enough...

about wikileaks ...who cares...I don't even know what that is (ok I kind of do, but still) it's hurting my ears to keep hearing that damn word...it sounds like something i contracted from Martini (disclaimer below) this summer at the pound and that's absolutely something I'd like to forget...wouldn't you if he made you do a million shots of cafe patron and  you woke up with flashbacks of only this face and a chicken roll:

Disclaimer - I contracted nothing from Martini but a bad hangover.


xoxoxo

Today's Hero: I'm dying to marry a dog, too!

You know how many dog's I've met in the past 2 years that I would've married?

Ones who like to lay around, do nothing, take naps or the occasional walk, leave messes without cleaning them up, eat gross meals that don't require silverware, drink all day, smoke weed, scratch each other, lick each other, mmmmmm wait what?  Anyway, you get the point.

I respect this human dog who decided to just come out of the closet for the rest of us and marry a REAL dog.

So thank you, Joseph Guiso, you are our hero for today.  We wish you a long life of happiness with your DOG, Honey.

Hopefully these two OD on caffeine and put us all out of our misery

I'm sick of hearing about these two jerks being in love, with coffee as their bond.  That doesn't happen in real life.

I've bonded with most of my loves in the past 2 years over things such as Jameson, coors light, bud light, miller lite, red wine, weed, chicken rolls, and white slices of pizza.

Show me two celebrities who like shit like that and aren't afraid to say it and then I'll know they're just like 'US'.

Undateable Men: Update

Any male in a sales position

Let's not get Garried away...

We forgot another favorite Gary!!!

We've all felt like Gary Busey looks in these pix....

Text Master: Update

FYI ...Cat:








.... is the text master.



I:  on the other hand, will send you texts like this :

'where are you?'
'what are you doing?'
'HELLO?'
'I lwdddddDrtz'
'Doing a shot of Jameson then leaving. wanna meet and walk'
'hi'
'meow'
'No. I btfo. U?'
'mmmmmmmmm'

And various other inappropriate, weird, incomprehensible things I can't say on here!

xoxoxo - kate

Text Master

Damage control....

So here's the back story:
I was supposed to meet a potential suitor out at a bar.  The potential suitor well call Frankfurter was coming all the way from Brooklyn to New Jersey to meet me... (honestly poor choice when dealing with the doggiest of all dogs).  However, in the midst of dogging around and a plethora of everclear I forgot that I made these plans, left the bar I was to meet Frankfurter at and went to another.  I failed to notify Frankfurter of my change in scenery and also failed to ever look at my phone until the next AM where I was to find several missed calls and texts from a poor, lonely Frankfurter.

So one may think- I guess Frankfurter is gone forever.  What kind of guy would still want to meet a girl who basically stood you up after you crossed two rivers for her???

However fear not, there's nothing a crafty text cannot fix!

So below is my text history, then we'll break it down, so anyone can craft THE perfect damage control text.

My Text:
'Uhm. So I irish exited out of Mulligan's and obviously failed to mention this to you or any of my friends... all I  can say is everclear jello shots were involve :-/ '

Key elements to the successful damage control dating debacle text:

1- Cute element - 'uhm' is cute, girly and whimsical. The dumb suitor will never think you are deceiving him when you start with uhm..

2- Cool saying guys relate to- 'irish exit'.  The suitor thinks 'this is a cool chick, I mean I have totally pulled an irish exit before'

3-  The Honest Admission- 'all I can say is everclear jello shots were involved'.  Suitor thinks- 'well at least she's not making up some story, she's genuine'.

4- THE EMOTICON- I can not stress the importance of the emoticon in ANY damage control text.
 :-/ is cute and emits the feeling of sorrow without admitting wrong doing, which brings me to #5.

5- Leaving Out the Apology, last and most important.  First off- apologizing is the admission of guilt, and if you think you did nothing wrong, then you DID do nothing wrong, and therefore there's NOTHING to apologize about.  Second- you already expressed your feeling sorrow with that emoticon, therefore an actual apology is repetitive and desperate.  I mean he's the fool that would be missing out if he doesn't agree to meet you again.

With the step by step guide above you should be able to text your way out of any drunken debacle.

So what happened with the poor frankfurter?  He bought it hook line and sinker and is asking me when we can meet.  SUCCESS.

Please post any texting questions because I am the self proclaimed textmaster and can text my way into or out of any situation.

xoxox.

Someday...

A Tribute to a True American Hero

Thank you Mark Zuckerberg for bringing stalking to a whole new level.  Now I know where my ex was for the holidays, what he did last night and what he is doing RIGHT now.. thank god for you Mark Zuckerberg, how empty and dull life would be without your brain and affinity for creeping. xoxoxox.

a dog must have

An app that if downloaded on your significant others phone, will forward all his or her text messages to you.. the inventor of this is clearly tomorrows daily hero.  Can't wait to download on next victims phone.

http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/2010/10/27/2010-10-27_android_app_secret_sms_replicator_lets_suspicious_lovers_spy_on_significant_othe.html 

Daily Hero: Vanessa da Airport

Vanessa for breaking into you man's email account and doing some serious damage... We've all been there and here at bitchesbarking we appreciate your insanity. And that's why you're our daily hero.. Woof Woof.

hey Catherine,

Sorry to contact you cause I know u don't know me this is Vanessa the chick that A*** has been fooling around with since last February. I just found out that he has been corresponding with you though he has been playing me for a fool this whole time. When I asked him about all the emails  I found between the both of you he straight up and very callously told me that he is checking "hhis options with you". Soifeel like I owe it to you to say that if you didn't know that he is that kind of a douche bag, who had been sleeping with me for the past 4 days in his condo in NC and still talking to you like nothing, well he is. And I hope I you don't ended up in and very uncomfortable situation like me right now, stranded in waiting for him to take me to da airport.

Btw, he is s_*f**h, m***g****tic and not that great of a *****, so you get no good surprises.

Vanessa

How not to get laid

1. get sloppy blackout drunk before even entering the bar
2. fat hair until to achieve hair that stands straight up
3. lure men back to your place with this line 'wanna come check out my sweet a.c.'
4. pass flatulence or belch loudly in front of dudes you just met.
5. lead the convo with a potential suitor with this line: 'so can you send me a dic pic?'
6. calling someone approximately 60x over the course of 4 hours.
7. rolling with THE drunkest girls at the bar, where one leaves crying, one puking and other is sleeping at the bar.
8. stopping for a quick $30 worth of Seven Star pizza on your way home from the bar.
9. party so hard all weekend that you have no voice to even try to pick up dudes, you resort to sign language.. not getting laid
10. making out with puke monster before, after or during your night out.

HELLLLLOOOO?????

If only we could move to Gary, Indiana....

The boy's name Gary is pronounced GARE-ee.  It is of Old English origin, and the meaning of Gary is 'spear'.  Famous since the 1930s due to actor Gary Cooper.  Gary has 5 variant forms: Gari, Garey, Garrey, Garrie, and Garry.

Now, let's take a moment to consider all of the important Gary's in our world:

Gary the slumlord of squan:

Gary, my ex, who 'allowed' me to drunk dial/prank him for almost a decade, yet remained a friend in the end:

Gary aka Bodi:

Gary Sinise was bangin' as a legless man in Forrest Gump:

Gary Coleman:

Last, but certainly not least, our favorite Hoboken bartender (that's him behind the bar), Gary of Mulligan's:

Who's YOUR favorite Gary?

Kill List

Before we begin a key:
*dd1 = dropdead1
*dbfs = death by firing squad


Also I dedicate this list to Mary Norma a 10 year old serial killer and my idol. xoxox.


1. Yon: for being a midget, homo, so dumb that you still haven't changed your password.  How I wish I would have killed you that time in squan like we planned.


2. DJ dropdead: sweet wheelchair


3. Gr8murse: studette = dbfs


4.  Dirt: no explanation necessary


5. Jessica Simpson: for being fat


6. Prince William and that dumb hoe Kate

7.  Sammie Sweetheart: although the STD's eating her cervix will likely kill her by the end of the year.

8. The original murse: for the cum stained shirt you choose to wear on our first date, along with the religious nursing thimble you bought me for my birthday.... really dd1

9. Oprah: so over you and your crusade to save the fucking work.. dd1 

10. Oprah's audience: instead of cackling over Oprah's excessive consumerism, get your fat ass off the couch and get a bloody job dumbie.

11.  While we're killing modern day saints may as well kill Angelina Jolie and all her minority children (save the white ones to preserve the aryan race)

12. Angelina (staten island ferry): for violating our eyeballs with her face and chunky body in ill-fitting onsies.

13. Ryan Caberra: for being an absolute homo on The Hills

14.  Stein: for never being able to find a shirt that covers his mid-drift

15. Adan: for answering the phone like a receptionist at a dentist office, you're probably already lying dead in your own piss, sh!t and vomit.

16. RTD: for looking like a truck driver

17. Mr. Carosi: for having a GF

18. Dr. Love: for sending a dic pic to an unknown recipient

19. Dumb wum: for not only being the dumbest dog but also being the ugliest, what a catch ;-)

20. Gary the bartender: for leading b!tches on and having yellow teeth

21. While were on Gary's, Gary the slum lord: I'm sure removing one pair or sneakers cost $1000

22. Dunce: for giving us his real address sunday night

23.  Martini: for eating cheetos while 'surfing'

24: One and only: who lies about being impotent when you weren't even impotent... god your so fucking dumb it's painful, dbfs.

25. Scott Higgins: for pulling the creepiest moves of all time in the middle of the night in squan.. how to catch predator. dbfs.

26. Greggors: for that dumb beard and eating chinese food with his bare hands like a zoo creature.

27. B-cos: for being b-cos

28. Xanax: to be too much for neurotic psychos like  us means you'd better do the world a favor and kill yourself.

29. Karter: ugh too many pics.

30. MC: fake dic pic? you could never get  one by on the master of dp's.

Undateable Men

One should always take into consideration a potential mate's profession.  Just in case you're not sure....here is who will only lead to trouble for you:
Cops
Firemen
Pharmaceutical Sales Reps
Bartenders
Bouncers
Bar backs
Janitors at bars
DJs
Priests
Married Men
Men who like men, but pretend they like women

Our Hero

Prego Kim Zolciak huffing down a cig.