Scenario:
So remember poor lonely Frankfurter, traveled two rivers to meet me only to be left stood up at the bar. Well Frankfurter and I made another date to meet for early evening cocktails... With the time of the date approaching I mentally decided to bail on the Frankfurter, however unfortunately failed once again to notify the poor Hot Dog. I received a series of texts and calls none of which I responded to... and at the time thought there's no recovering from this one. The poor Frankfurter surely hates me and will never speak to me again...
However the next day still receiving calls and texts from Frankfurter (he thinking that I was in fact dead) I brainstormed and came up with an action plan to vindicate myself and return Frankfurter to the palm of my hands.
Disaster Recovery Plan:
PART ONE: Timing is Everything.
The plan was to wait a considerable amount of time to make contact.
What this does is makes the suitor think that:
1- you're dead or something happened so he starts to worry. Anger and embarrassment turns to worry and anxiety.
2- The suitor begins to think he did something wrong. He begins replaying all of your past convo's and texts to see if he said anything to jeopardize your willingness to see him. The insecurity building makes him forget that you totally played him for a fool and he thinks he did something wrong... that's what we call a sucka.
PART TWO: The Story.
Ok in this situation you go big or go home, the lie has to be absolutely ridiculous. The more ridiculous the more likely he will buy it hook line and sinker.
Options here include jail, near death experiences, family issues, crime of any nature.
I choose to go with -lost cellphone, after a bar crawl in celebration of my friend moving to Hong Kong.
PART THREE: Follow up texts.
Now that you have your story the well calculated text comes next. Remember this text must be sent at least 3 days following the dating disaster. In this specific case I sent the text 4 days following the event.
Me: 'Hello. O man I've been without phone since Friday!! My bad about Saturday :-/ I'm alive and well. Just got my new phone in the mail. What's going on over there?'
Analysis:
- Cute element- Hello, O man (whimsical, girly innocence)
- Lack of apology - My bad (also cute and girly), not an actual apology but recognition of your actions.
- Emoticon- cute and does the apologizing for you.. emotes sorry without the admission of guilt.
- Cool guy talk- 'what's going on over there?', it's cool, it blows right over the subject at hand. Easy breezy. Remember if you think you did nothing wrong then you did nothing wrong. Just blow over the topic as quickly and easily as you blew him off.
Frankfurters response: 'Hey great to hear from u and that ur alive lol guess that bar crawl on friday was a good time haha. Thought maybe I said something wrong or u were in a ditch somewhere'.
Analysis: clearly worked like a charm, we've got Frankie by the balls.
Next text is as critical as the first. You must wait a significant amount of time, but within the same day.
Time makes you appear exclusive, aloof, mysterious and therefore IRRESISTIBLE.
So in a few hours you send a text that's exciting that acknowledges the event however brushes over it, furthering it's insignificance.
Me: 'Chaos appears to follow me or vice versa.. so that race I did Sunday- this dude dropped dead right before the start and needed to be resuscitated! Crazy right. Are you at work?'
Analysis:
- It's cool, you lead a chaotic crazy fun life the suitor wishes you would let him be a part of.
- An exciting story to get his mind off the offense you committed, while also intriguing his interest even further.
- You acknowledge him, you need to remember to mention him in the text. Guys need attention. So the final part of the text should always be about him.
So what's the result... Frankfurter wants to hang..
xoxox,
TEXTMASTER (texting my way into and out of any and all situations)
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